Spring 2020, Hampstead Heath
This time last year….
On the 23rd of March, I was just about to take my first class on Zoom, a medium that like many of you I had not used before! This would also be the last class I taught in the beautiful space that was the Active Birth Centre. I returned home that evening to Boris Johnson on TV announcing lockdown. From the very next day I began to teach all my classes via Zoom from my home, and like so many others, having to learn on the job.
We were now sharing our space (not large) with my son, his partner and our grandson of 8 months. They had moved in two days earlier to avoid lockdown in a tiny one bedroomed flat without any outdoor space. We steadied our nerves and got ready for what we thought would be maybe a few weeks but turned out to be three months. Life in this lockdown was full, busy and with many upsides in what became a beautiful spring. Watching our grandson move from crawling baby into one that left our home on his own two feet was a gift.
It was a rich and crazy time, a household bursting at the seams, run strictly around mealtimes (furloughed chef in kitchen) and class times. Adaptability was the key to accommodate all the needs of the household and making it work - which we did, and I am very proud of us all for that.
What has followed that first lockdown has been a tumultuous journey for us all, with many ups & downs - we have all learnt many lessons. Some have been tough ones while others have been gifts for sure. My mantra within my work has always been to ‘keep it simple’ but this year has really brought the true essence of that alive for me. I am so thankful that I was able to continue to support new mothers during this time. I know from the many conversations I had how important this space to come together in a circle of women was for mothers.
Over these last 24 years of working with women, I have focused more and more on the transitional journey of women becoming mothers. It can be a challenging time finding your way into motherhood. Many women feel a loss of identity that can leave them feeling isolated, misunderstood and struggling to understand how they’re meant to feel.
Yes, it’s always been a challenge to become a mother and care for a small baby 24/7, but this past year has been one like no other. Becoming a mother in this lockdown year has made this transition, for many, particularly hard. So, knowing that motherhood shapes up differently for us all, that’s the key - finding your way to mother - and the fact that you just need to be a ‘good enough’ mum for your baby to thrive.
Coping with the sense of disconnect has been challenging for us all. We are social mammals and we mostly thrive on our sense of being connected to others. We only have to look at babies to see how they thrive on being in constant contact with their parents/caregivers in the early months and years of life. That this is indeed the foundation to becoming secure; a child with these secure attachments flourishes into a confident child. I was so reminded of this truth living close up to my grandson during that first lockdown - watching him flourish really did confirm for me so much of what I share with new parents.
I have observed some benefits, mostly in the very early days and weeks after birth. Parents have been able to retreat from the world and create a little bubble where they have been able to feel their way into parenthood without the disturbance of others, hopefully with a midwife on hand to answer any worries they have during this time.
Beyond these early weeks, as they feel more settled into this new way of life, the absence of family & friends has been hard for many new parents. At times this has been complicated further if they have been able to form a family bubble with one set of grandparents while being unable to even introduce baby to their other grandparents. This has been hard; I have heard so many individual stories this past year, many heart-rending.
No granny, sister or best friend with that extra pair of arms to hold baby while mum goes the loo, or to hug the new mother when she weeps with tiredness or overwhelm, when so often all she needs is to feel heard, seen and validated. Sharing the difficulties and the joys of parenthood with family and close friends is what new parents expect as a rite of passage. Covid has added a whole new layer of complications and anxieties, a sense of loss and grief for what should have been. These losses cannot be reclaimed and it’s important to acknowledge that.
Some couples have been lucky that the father/partner has been able to be more fully present in the home space, due either to being furloughed or working from home. Where furloughed partners have had a truer insight into what it takes to bring up baby first-hand every day. It has led many partners to a place of more respect and understanding for what mothering entails and to a much needed (for some) rebalancing of roles. When working from home with a more flexible schedule and/or were not wasting time traveling each day the potential has grown for partners to be more hands on with baby and do more around the home. Though working from home has also had difficulties especially were space is limited. Imagine the pressure of keeping an unhappy baby quiet while an important meeting, via zoom, is happening in the next room!
Many new mothers have expressed to me their loneliness, sense of heightened anxiety and feelings of disconnect from not seeing others outside of Zoom circles. A fear of being out and about and needing to change a nappy or feed baby, when this would usually be something that would have happened when out with a group of mum friends. Having the support and advice of other mums in these moments is part of how we all learn and navigate the early months of motherhood together not apart.
Only this morning I was speaking to a mother about naps in the day, how when out and about her baby napped well in the sling and how ideally she would be hanging out in cafés ordering coffee, shouting over the noise of a busy café with baby fast asleep in arms. She described how within the quietness of her home, her baby wakes at the sound of the cat meowing or a doorbell ringing with yet another Amazon delivery.
So here we are a year later, the months ahead still something we are needing to navigate carefully, still unable to make any concrete plans, but you know what, at least it’s spring again! It really does feel like the start of a new year, with Spring Equinox last Saturday, the day of equal daylight and darkness. So, forwards we go, ready to make the most of this coming year in all its complexity. We can keep things simple, enjoy the moment and focus our energy on what truly matters.
Postscript
I have over this past year simplified my work and concentrated on the wellbeing of women, especially for new mothers & babies, starting with Lets Talk about Baby to help parents get ready for their babies’ arrival earth side. Once baby has arrived, my New Baby & Me course for the fourth trimester is the one to support new mothers on their journey. They can then follow this with one of my Women’s Yoga classes, either online at home (with baby close by) or in the studio when they can leave baby with partner ,or other trusted person, for a couple of hours. When needed, I work on a one-to-one basis to best support women pre & postnatally.
My retreats for women and families are all on hold till we get the go-ahead. Meanwhile, once we have access to studio space again, I will look at half-day Retreats Retreats for Mothers and Women’s Yoga workshops. I can’t wait to hold this nurturing space for women in person again; I believe it will be even more needed in the coming years.